…the parched land shall become a pool, and the thirsty lands springs of water…(Isaiah 35:7)

Because I Wasn’t, You Can’t Be and If You Are, You Aren’t

By Rex Goode


Believe me, I really do understand how difficult it can be to be gay, Mormon, and married to a woman. In fact, I think men like me who stick it out are possibly even in a better position to speak to the difficulty. You can’t know how hard it can be to get to the finish line if you leave the race early.

I realize that statement will offend people who found it too difficult to stay married or even stay Mormon. I don’t mean to offend. I just mean to say that you can’t tell me how I should feel or what I should do just because you did it.

There are two things, reflected in my title, that people often say to me who have decided that they no longer wanted to struggle with homosexual feelings and remain in a marriage with someone of the opposite sex or stay in the Church. Those two things are variations of the following.

  1. Because I wasn’t happy being married or staying in the Church, you can’t be either.
  2. If you are happy being married or staying in the Church, you aren’t really gay.

I can appreciate where these two ideas come from, but they cannot possibly be true. People who have conservative kinds of views are often accused of being narrow-minded, but can you be any more narrow-minded than to have two such strident positions about how people can be happy and what choices they must inevitably make?

I hear these two statements a lot, but the other day, I was talking to a gay man who had once been married, fathered children, and ultimately decided he couldn’t keep going. He left his wife and found a man. He said he was happy and unlike some of my acquaintances do to me, I said I was happy that he was happy. He said regarding my choices, “Hey, whatever makes you happy!”

I really appreciated that. It was a breath of fresh air. Neither of us tried to project our experiences and decisions on the other. I like that.

When I first joined a support group on the Internet, Disciples2, I talked about the longevity and success of my marriage. Almost immediately, I had people referring to me as a bisexual having a midlife crisis. I couldn’t be homosexual because I had a successful and lasting marriage.

I used to feel like I should argue the point, but I’m done with that. I know what I feel inside. I know what a fight it is inside me. I know how difficult my life is for me and I know what attraction experiences I have.

If you find yourself saying these things in one form or another to a person who has decided to stay married or stay in the Church, let go of your narrow-mindedness and offer respect. Be happy for someone who says he’s happy. Leave your politics out of  your relationships.

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4 Responses to “Because I Wasn’t, You Can’t Be and If You Are, You Aren’t”

  1. anonymous said:


    I am convinced there are many LGB and asexual folks who are in long term opposite sex marriages and who are happy where they are at or at least as happy as they are going to be anywhere in or out of Church. Because we aren’t in distress, we aren’t squeaky wheels, and therefore we must not exist. But we do.

    Thanks for reminding everyone that no group is monolithic.

  2. Matthew said:

    I enjoy reading your posts and your perspectives. The spelling errors sometimes get in the way, but for the most part, I really appreciate reading your blogs. Thanks

  3. Rex Goode said:

    Thanks, anonymous. I’ve always loved that name. 🙂

    I think you are right. I’ve known many happily married people who just don’t want to even talk about it. They say things like, “If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it!”

  4. Rex Goode said:

    Thanks, Matthew. I don’t think I have a spelling problem as much as a carelessness problem. I just get in such a hurry that I don’t check for typos. I’ll try to be more careful.

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